Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
