I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
