Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
