the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
