i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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