True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
