Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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