You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
3pm strippers are depressing
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
