I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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