I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
