I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
