I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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