so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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