college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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