were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
