It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
