Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
