sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
