im drinking this country out of the recession.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
