Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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