I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Randomize
