I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
