and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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