I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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