Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I am spending my child support on dildos
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
