my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
