I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
