So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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