3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
wakey wakey hands off snakey
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
