Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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