It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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