taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
