I smell stomach acid.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
