The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
