Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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