Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
you had me at cake vodka
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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