I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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