Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
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I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
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Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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