Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
