kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
