highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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