Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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