This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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