the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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