Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
