I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
