this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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