I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
