Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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