I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
