dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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