1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
