Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
