standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
