Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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