My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
